Watch the battle here.
Round One
Chedda Cheese
I know you all wanted Carter versus Head I.C.E.; trust me, I see the appeal,
street guy against a guy from a completely different field.
You wanted gangster versus nerd; well, tell me how you feel.
You got gangster versus gangster, it's about to get real.
When I took this battle, they told me to keep it light; just jokes, don't kill the hype.
Then I guess I'm the villain, right? Brought a knife to a pillow fight.
You wanted I.C.E.? That's nice; I’m I.C.E. of all different types.
Ice Cube, Ice-T… Okay, mostly Vanilla Ice.
Either way, Carter Deems, you are a strangle little fellow,
probably pronounce milk like "malk" and pillow like "pellow”.
But he's not the type of person that at first you would assume,
I'm more afraid of Carter Deems than any person in this room,
‘cause he's just way too nice. Like creepy, freak type of nice.
Like smiling while he murders you in your sleep type of nice.
But nah, he's not a mad man, he's a cat man;
he'll end up with a cat(-)woman like Batman.
His screensaver is a cat doing jazz hands,
and he gets way too hyped up over CAT scans.
He likes munching on his chap stick, cuddling with fat chicks,
huffing on some catnip and suckling on cat nips.
But after all that mean stuff I just said, I guess you do deserve a hug.
[hug snub]
Not from me, Carter Deems, I meant from somebody you love.
You look and smell like you've been rolling in the mud,
and to be honest, I wouldn't touch you with a pair of rubber gloves.
(I’m sorry. I’m just joking.)
Carter Deems
You don't think Carter a straight G? Well I'll fart on your lady,
eat your poutine then barf up the gravy on your carpet and drapery.
See that's how the old Carter would say schemes,
but my life has been harder here lately, so I can't promise that my bars will be crazy,
but I had five seizures last year, so it's okay if I start a little shaky.
His rhythm is weak plus you look a little beat; you got the heart of a baby.
I'm sick(,) dog, pardon the rabies. Yesterday I ate part of a pastry,
from an artisan bakery; it was large and amazing.
It wasn't hard, it was flaky, and every part of it's tasty.
You can catch me parking an H3,
‘cause I work as a valet parking cars, ‘cause they pay me.
Even when it's dark and it's rainy,
you can catch me in between those white lines like I'm sniffing hard in the eighties.
Atlanta pro, so I'm armed with the Bravery.
He'll lie buried(library’d); I should charge you a late fee.
Yeah my squad's small. Still we ball out; I started on J.V.
This match up more brutal than football between Army and Navy.
My cannon's so big, it's like I'm arming the Navy.
A mad dude with a credit card: I charge when I'm angry.
Talk like a gentleman, but test the kid again,
you'll hear sir cuss(circus) like Barnum and Bailey.
I'm dope, I mean, catch me in a V12 rolling clean.
Don't believe me? You can search engine, like you opened Bing.
Make that Cobra sing like yodeling; hit you with a Force that’d make Yoda lean.
Hand me a Razor and I'll flip out, like when my Motorola ring.
Catch me rolling on a roller rink.
As a kid, I gained some weight, too many cookies, too much Ovaltine;
in high school I was a bit rounder. I was an oval teen.
Catch me at a Hot Topic opening on the local scene,
girls crushing my hopes and dreams;
now battle rap’s like prom all over again, ‘cause nobody want to go with Deems.
Still, people are mad that I had this offer.
Well, I'll even battle the battle bloggers
to prove I run these streets like an avid jogger,
then use my hands like I'm bad at soccer.
Grab the choppers, start blasting monsters
like Rick Grimes when he attacks a walker;
this dude will hit a grandpa in the face, then attack his walker.
You're not as nerdy as me; you're not even half as awkward.
I wear weirdness on my sleeve like a badge of honor.
Still I'll leave a bump on his face so big you should go see your acne doctor,
‘cause when I hit you in the face with these cat massagers,
I'll leave this slacker folded up like a pair of my khaki Dockers.
Round Two
Chedda Cheese
You look like, you would smell like, Doritos and mildew.
At first I thought you may have had a disability.. and I still do.
Sit back and watch me work Carter; I'm 'bout to work Carter.
Work harder, ‘cause I'm everything you never were, Carter.
And if you take it to the ping pong court, get wrecked at the rec center.
Press records; I'm a one-man band like Trent Reznor.
Better your best effort, yes, with less effort, less pressure,
head severed for trying to check Chedda.
The best seller, best ever. Doesn't get better; my pen's better,
trendsetter against a bed wetter, (I mean…)
Look, when I call you a bed wetter, that's a factual statement;
I've seen the pee-stained mattress that you have in the basement.
You wear a pair of Pull Ups when you pull up at your grandma's house,
sheets covered in plastic like your grandma's couch.
you probably eat pea soup while wearing a peacoat.
Got URL fans saying, "Where the gun bars at?"
Me and Carter got it covered, bringing gun bars back.
The streets talk; got to keep watch. Eavesdrop from the tree tops.
Three shots, bring your Reeboks, ‘cause I keep Glocks in my knee socks.
Cheap talk in the T Dot gets you outlined in police chalk,
(Ppp, ppp, chikka, ppp, ppp)
like a white guy trying to beat box.
Catch you on a Friday, see me sitting sideways
’til I pull out out of nowhere like a hidden driveway.
(Bow. Just Joking.)
Carter Deems
When I start bucking that, I put him in a box with no bubble wrap
after I show these long Tec’s(texts) like Rev Run in a bubble bath.
Okay, that's not true at all, but here are some other facts.
You paid for this battle and that’s something you can't rebuttal back,
‘cause I know exactly how much it cost you, and I paid double that.
I didn't even want to do this, but I was bored this weekend; thought I might as well.
I don't care about this battle at all; I just wanted to spend 500 on a flight and hotel.
You watch The Bachelor,
but last week he was busy, didn't have any time and missed it.
You thought I'd be a nice guy, forget it,
‘cause I'm about to give you so many spoilers you'd think I drive a Civic.
Like for instance: Ben took Jen on a date, but he still saw Liz on his nightly visit.
He brought a bottle of wine and sipped it,
which later caused Liz to get into a fight with Bridget,
just to be quite specific,
and you can stand there and act like you don't care,
but that just ruined your night, admit it.
I'm terrific. I can bring hard bars to prove that I can spit it, but my style has shifted,
and I really get too silly, I admit it, but even this guy can get it,
‘cause when I spit that silly heat, he'll see that the sky's the limit.
‘Cause that's when I'm in my bag,
like I'm sneaking on a plane without buying a ticket.
Temple tap. I invented that.
I stay fresh to death 'til I'm six feet below.
I fought the Double Dragons, went three-and-oh. That's on a need-to-know.
Yeah, you can rap but do you need to? No.
Every time you see me go, I spazz out. You can't shake Deemsy flow,
even though I started having Little seizures(Caesar’s)
and I'm not talking pizza dough.
Strobe light...that's what I don't like.
It makes my spine ache, my eyes start to dilate,
a migraine, mind race to the middle of my mind state,
I get wobbly like I'm walking on ice skates, everything starts to go sideways,
Ah— I think I might be having one right now, I can feel my thighs shake..
Oh, never mind, I just had my phone on vibrate. I’m great.
I'll sneak in without tripping the wire,
while this dude gets caught like lint in the drier.
I'm someone you should really admire,
so don't get it twisted like you gripping the pliers.
I know we don't carry the tool, but I raise that heat when I'm spitting the fire,
so this dude will see defeat(Duff eat) like he's having dinner with Lizzie McGuire.
I don't care about this match up, so I raise the heat like I'm holding a match up.
This doesn't stack up. So confident, I'll put a stack up.
So we know you try to act tough, say you hit as hard as a Mack truck,
while I know you don't have a fast punch,
so I won't fall for your hands. That's a bad bluff.
I’ll hit him with a fart so hard it'll make him back up. You should call for backup.
Last week I helped my cousin move his couch; that's how I messed my back up,
so I can barely hold my back up.
I’ll hit him with a mean mug; that's a bad cup,
and I admit it, Bishop, I'm the one who keeps putting your mirror back up.
Round Three
Chedda Cheese
That was really weird. This is my impression of you:
"When arms get raised, that's where my B.O. sits.
I've got five friends with B.O. who all think that B.O.'s sick.
We nicknamed ourselves ‘The B.O. Six’ and came to BO6ix.
How many of us came to T.O. with B.O.? Six."
Man, I feel like I'm watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure in bad 3D,
if he was raised by Stewart from Mad TV,
mixed with a bit of Brick and a little bit Mister Bean.
You're not original at all, biggest phony to hit the scene,
‘cause you stole your whole persona and style from Krispy Kreme.
(Some people know who that is, but you know..)
And you literally had an epileptic fit you were so afraid of I.C.E.,
had you shaking on the sidewalk like a game of dice.
You wanted epilepsy jokes? Another One like DJ Khaled:
He's an epileptic vegan, favorite food is seizure(Caesar) salad.
So quit with the talking. You look like Christopher Robin
stuck in mid-transformation into Christopher Walken.
And Chris Robin can get walking. Just stop it and quit blogging.
In his town, he's a big problem. Big date? He'll be pill dropping,
slick talking and lip locking, just not when the chick's watching.
The Bill Cosby of Milwaukee. The Rick Ross of Wisconsin.
See, they hype you up now cause they're following a trend,
but look at Vince with the Raptors and what they thought about it then.
They see me put you on a map, but you'll fall of in the end,
and we can all watch Carter let Toronto down again.
Carter Deems
I'm finished with the gimmick; sorry if you want me to rap about cats.
Matter of fact, cats are cool, but that was a fad
that I put on as a mask before each battle and match.
I mean, I give my pets a pat on the back,
but my cat was just a substitute I used cause I'm not blasting the gat.
It was a passive attack,
‘cause I don't shoot tec's or use meth or do sex, so I don't rap about that.
But don't worry, ‘cause I'm battling back,
so you can get him a soda and pass me a snack,
‘cause I already ate through Cheese just to prove that I mastered the craft(Kraft).
I'm not grabbing the macs; on the weekend I watch Breaking Bad and relax
until I'm having a nap. These are actual facts,
and on the weekdays I'm in my office, reading an actual fax.
Still, nobody's flowing with me.
I'll break into the championship bout, take 'em both out 'til I'm holding the keys,
beat those phony MC's and let 'Ganik put the chain over my tee like rosary beads.
I'll beat Grandma's Favorite Grandson with ease,
then eat a plate of macaroni and cheese,
so by the end of the night I've beaten Illmac', uh, Roney and Cheese.
But in real life this guy is scary. He'll make that big thing sing like Mariah Carey
that’ll put me in a House of pain(Payne) like Tyler Perry.
After this my life is buried, and not even playing with fire prepared me,
‘cause when he starts cooking, he'll put those flames on my shirt like Guy Fieri.
When he steps out, the gats are ready.
He'll light me up even though the mac is heavy,
so gangster, he’ll probably pop my collar cause I'm acting preppy.
All about the cash and fetti, fast and furious 'til he crash the Chevy,
he'll grab the blam and go H.A.M. while I'm at the deli, just ‘cause I asked for veggies.
When this dude's gripping the biscuit, he's not asking you to pass the jelly,
‘cause every time he eats, he takes it to the Max like Zack and Kelly.
Born to be a sharpshooter, it's in his DNA to blast machetes,
and a gun fight is Thug Life, he'll rat-a-tat my belly like Makaveli.
But I'm not on a crusade against those who rap about guns,
it's just there's a million other things to rap about that I've actually done.
I rap about microwaves,
‘cause when I used the stove, I burned the back of my thumb.
I spit about minivans, ‘cause that's what my parents been driving since back in ’91.
We had a dent on the bumper, had an accident, son.
Stain on the seat, I had an accident, son.
And this is real life, so I don't care if you're asking, "Who won?"
after it's done, ‘cause my life is an average one.
I just like to get people laughing with puns.
I don't do this to make fun of battling; I do this cause battling’s fun.
So with that being said, I’ll pull up to a Hobby Lobby in a drop top Maserati
same color as a pot of coffee if that pot of coffee was the same color as hot wasabi.
I'll take my shirt off; I’ll flash for the cash like the paparazzi.
Live life like a kamikaze;
Carter's so savage, you better keep a chain on this animal like a Tamagotchi.
That's time, you got me?
Lyrics transcribed in full, including slurs and offensive rhetoric in interest of accuracy. Language used and views expressed are those of the performers cited.
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